In school last year my professors cautioned us against using the phrase "Good Job" to praise children. They suggested being more specific, more like, "Wow! You put your lunch away so fast!" Focusing on the action rather than just a generic statement. It is something I do try and avoid with my kiddos at work, but in my own life I am constantly judging my own choices and actions to determine if they are "good" enough.
It's such a hard concept to avoid, in all aspects of life. As an adult I find there is pressure to "be good" at something, or to make "good choices" or "do the right thing." Some of this pressure is from outside sources, and some is of course coming from me. It can be hard to trust my own choices. I'm a people pleaser and I feel like the pressure can come from all sides.
This idea of being "good" also creates a feeling that if you aren't being good you must be being "bad." This leads to the creation entirely unnecessary negative feelings towards ourselves. Feelings of failure, of guilt, of shame. These feelings can have so many unwanted and terrible effects on our self-esteem and confidence.
Here are just a few of the many pressures I sometimes feel squashed by:
Pressure to eat well & exercise. I like candy. I like ice cream. I like white rice, chicken nuggets and nachos. I enjoy tacos, fajitas, meatloaf, stir-fry, etc. Eating is one of my favourite hobbies, and yet I am often laying feelings of guilt on myself for making "bad choices." Equally as awful is making excuses for being "bad."
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| Running is fun, when it's not out of guilt! Though it might be more fun if Spring was here! |
Pressure to save money, to buy a car/house/dog/etc. Basically pressure to meet the societal expectations placed upon us. Get married, buy a house, get a dog, have a baby, etc. There is always another expectation and pressure to do all these things well, and judgement if you take a different path. The message is very "be your own person, but accomplish all these things at the same time."
Pressure to recycle. This is of course important, I love the earth and realize maybe we aren't taking care of it. However, if I slip up and use plastic bags for my groceries once a month it's probably ok. (I know this seems out of place with all the others, but I really feel bad if I don't recycle something).
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| Maybe recycling just isn't fun enough? I'll be painting my garbage can & recycling bins pronto! |
Pressure to be a "good friend." Really what other kind of friend is there? You either are a friend, or you aren't but it's not like you get a friendship report card every six months. Sure, there are times you could do more to stay in touch or set up a hang-out but sometimes life happens, and it can be made up for later with coffee, a nice card in the mail or a skype date.
Pressure to be a "good blogger." This is definitely pressure that comes from within. I've never judged another blog as harshly as I judge my own. Especially over the little things like posting daily or not having photos in a post. When I don't blog for a couple of weeks I feel like such a "bad blogger" and giving in to those feelings makes me feel discouraged from continuing.
Pressure to be a "good teacher." This is the absolute worst one for me. I have unreal expectations of how to be a "good teacher" and I am so hard on myself when I feel like I haven't lived up to them. I forget that I am one person, and that I am human and sometimes I might be tired or get frustrated easily. I am striving for this imaginary idea of being this perfect teacher and it is having the opposite effect, causing me to be a stressed out grumpy teacher sometimes.
The list could go on and on, there are so many ways we pressure ourselves. So many ways our families and society pressures us, and so many ways we pressure each other.
I'm tired of striving to "be good" or worrying about being "bad." At a risk of sounding like a worn-out hallmark card, I just want to be the best me I can be.
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| Source New motto for life? |
I am trying to not put the pressure on my kiddos at school to "be good" or do a "good job" so why should I be putting the pressure on myself? It's time to stop worrying about everything else and just do me. This isn't to say I'm not in favour of self-improvement, just that the motivation needs to be positive.
I'd love to know what you think about today's rambling, leave your thoughts in the comments!
Keep Smiling :)
This is a great post. I'd never thought of it as "if we're not doing good we must be doing bad." But that's so true. We associate our lack of a "good job" with negative feelings towards ourselves which often squashes the desire to ever try again.
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